On My Birthday

(This was written on my birthday January 27th 2015)

I thought that Halloween would be the hardest holiday. Everything about it has always screamed, "mom" to me. It was her favorite day, she got to scare children, play loud music, wear witchy clothing, and decorate the crap out of the house in purple and orange... I mean she did most of that year round, but on Halloween it was more, bigger, brighter, witchy-er.

Halloween was hard, but not really hard, mostly because I spent it moaning through contractions and leaking fluid while watching the second Scooby Doo movie. I was too distracted to grieve.

Of course Christmas was hard too. Christmas for us meant shortbread thumb print cookies, endlessly watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and getting messed up on egg nog. But I had lots of friends around the days surrounding Christmas, and I was starting to realize emotionally I wasn't quite okay with being a mom. So again I put off grieving and thought about other things.

Today is my 29th birthday. All day I've been looking at my phone, waiting. I didn't realize I was waiting until it rang and it wasn't my mom. I answered it, sobbing, and told the telemarketer that it today is my birthday and my mom is dead. They hung up.

Today is the hardest holiday. It's strange to think of my birthday as a holiday, I mean I'm not a president or Martin Luther King Jr. But mom always treated my birthdays like a big deal. She would throw the most awesome parties. One year she made me a cone bra like Madonna and we had a talent show in my living room, another time we watched Speed and The Evil Dead and then had a head banging contest to Green Day.

Once I got older so did the celebrations. I remember when we started living together again after I got out of foster care I would always wake up to flowers next to my bed on my birthday. When I moved out she would always call, usually in the middle of the night and then again during the day.

Today was the day without a call.

Now as a mom I realize that birthdays aren't only about the people who are born, but about the people giving birth. For me Persephone's birthday is the day my life changed forever. I know see the things my mom did for me as a celebration and confirmation of the way my birth irrevocably changed everything about my mom's life.

From now on I know I need a little extra time for grief and pain on my birthday. As it is the day we shared more then any other day.

I love you mom, and I miss you so hard.