Photo Shoots for the New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

This week I am making an effort to take more pictures. You could call it a New Years resolution of sorts, but to be honest I hate resolutions. Mostly because when I inevitably stop doing them (as it is incredibly difficult to develop new habits as an adult) I am consumed by guilt. I have a lot of feelings about guilt, in fact you could say my thesis is at it's core about guilt. Also New Years is that time of year that fat people are even more highly visible and pressured by the diet culture to extra hate ourselves. Also it is literally THE ONLY time of year where it is easy to find affordable fat girl lounge wear and exercise clothes. MAMA NEEDS NEW YOGA PANTS.

ANYWAYS... What was I talking about...

Oh yeah, taking more pictures. One of the ways my anxiety manifests is the belief that life will always be super hard and nothing is going to change and get better. When taking some time to go through the pictures from the first 8 weeks of Effie's life, I realized that TONS has changed already and in fact things are getting easier. The photographic evidence has helped me put this in perspective.

For example:

She no longer takes all her naps on my chest:

This was cute and amazing at first, but quickly grew to be impractical and exhausting. I was spending all day on the couch, unmoving watching horrible tv shows, and waiting hours to pee. I didn't know how I was ever going to be able to go back to work or even shower. More recently she is napping in her bassinet (although they are often way too short), and while I still have a pretty significant amount of anxiety about the quality and amount of sleep she gets, things are looking up.

I managed to get out of the house and cut all my hair off!

Literally every time in my life that I have felt horrible or out of control I do something drastic to my hair except recently. I really should have cut it when my mom died, but I think I was passed the point of caring. This past week Alex stayed home from work to help me get through the side effects of starting anti-depressants and I was able to finally chop all of my hair off. I immediately felt better, more in control and have started using significantly less shampoo.

As helpful as these pictures have been, I don't have as many as I would like.

Taking pictures helps me do a few things, it helps me document the changes that happen while I'm miserable, I am better able to see through the fog and start to enjoy living in the moment. Effie will only be 8 weeks old for one week, she will only be 2 months old for one month, and then that time is gone. I want to start thinking of the time I get to spend with her as precious as opposed to something I have to "get through." Pictures are helping me to enjoy those moments. Things like:

Bath TIME!

MEETING UNCLE IAN!

First (almost) on camera smile!

Taking pictures also helps me to love myself. So not only do I want more pictures, I want more pictures with me in them, documenting my body and the journey it is taking post baby. Today I am excited for a new year (tomorrow I might hate it). I am not looking to make a new me, but to learn to enjoy the me I am. I think snapping a few selfies will help.

Happy New Year Friends!

<3 Ravin