So I've been writing bits of blog posts for the past 3 weeks and never finishing any of them. This is largely due to the fact that I have very little time and the time I do have is filled with me attempting (and usually failing) to sleep. The following are the tidbits that I started and will likely not finish. However, I hope to be writing a proper update later today or tomorrow. Permitting Effie suddenly decides that naps are super cool.
WTF BABY, GO TO SLEEP - 1/1/15
"Today has been the baby sleep day from hell. Babies, in case you didn't know, don't come born knowing how to go to sleep, or they forget or some shit. In a desperate attempt to get Effie to GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, as the wise Samuel L. Jackson once said, Alex and I took an ill fated trip to Target. This is where we learned that, while Effie will sleep in the car seat/stroller, she will not stay asleep if you do something like, I don't know... STOP AT A RED LIGHT. So instead to leisurely browsing Target with a peaceful baby, we were frantically running all over to store trying to keep up a constant and steady momentum.
BTW, Target was super weird at the time... it may have been my sleep deprived anxiety driven mania, but I swear people were really strange. For example there was this guy sitting in the vacuum cleaner aisle crying about which steam cleaner to purchase."
Back in the Saddle Again - 01/10/15
"This week marked my first week back at work. There was a failed attempt at returning to work back in December. Alex came down with a cold and I wouldn't let him touch the baby for a week because I was convinced she'd get whooping cough and die so I didn't go back for more then a day. But this week was much more successful. I am very lucky in my job to have the ability to choose my hours and currently I'm only working 20 hours a week. So I work Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Alex is with Persephone on Wednesday and Thursday and my bestie Kerry watches her on Friday.
I have a lot of feelings about returning to work. I am so full of feelings. One day I'll be less full of feelings and then I will have more room for cheese.
I cried a lot the first day at work, and called home at every nap. It didn't help that Effie decided that she would take really long amazing naps FOR EVERYONE BUT ME. Baby naps, if you didn't know, can last anywhere from 10 minutes to 3 hours. Consistently Effie naps for 38 minutes for me, basically the length of one baby sleep cycle. She refuses to go back to sleep. Apparently she might get better at this when she's older, however right now it blows. It's just enough time for me to panic about how long she is going to sleep for. I don't know if you can tell but a large part of my anxiety is focused on sleep. My sleep, babies sleep, Alex's sleep... I count how many hours everyone is getting, and it's never enough, which makes it impossible for me to sleep. I feel real fucking crazy when it comes to sleep.
Speaking of crazy, I also started therapy this week."
Monday, January 26, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Photo Shoots for the New Year
Happy New Year everyone!
This week I am making an effort to take more pictures. You could call it a New Years resolution of sorts, but to be honest I hate resolutions. Mostly because when I inevitably stop doing them (as it is incredibly difficult to develop new habits as an adult) I am consumed by guilt. I have a lot of feelings about guilt, in fact you could say my thesis is at it's core about guilt. Also New Years is that time of year that fat people are even more highly visible and pressured by the diet culture to extra hate ourselves. Also it is literally THE ONLY time of year where it is easy to find affordable fat girl lounge wear and exercise clothes. MAMA NEEDS NEW YOGA PANTS.
ANYWAYS... What was I talking about...
Oh yeah, taking more pictures. One of the ways my anxiety manifests is the belief that life will always be super hard and nothing is going to change and get better. When taking some time to go through the pictures from the first 8 weeks of Effie's life, I realized that TONS has changed already and in fact things are getting easier. The photographic evidence has helped me put this in perspective.
For example:
She no longer takes all her naps on my chest:
This was cute and amazing at first, but quickly grew to be impractical and exhausting. I was spending all day on the couch, unmoving watching horrible tv shows, and waiting hours to pee. I didn't know how I was ever going to be able to go back to work or even shower. More recently she is napping in her bassinet (although they are often way too short), and while I still have a pretty significant amount of anxiety about the quality and amount of sleep she gets, things are looking up.
I managed to get out of the house and cut all my hair off!
Literally every time in my life that I have felt horrible or out of control I do something drastic to my hair except recently. I really should have cut it when my mom died, but I think I was passed the point of caring. This past week Alex stayed home from work to help me get through the side effects of starting anti-depressants and I was able to finally chop all of my hair off. I immediately felt better, more in control and have started using significantly less shampoo.
As helpful as these pictures have been, I don't have as many as I would like.
Taking pictures helps me do a few things, it helps me document the changes that happen while I'm miserable, I am better able to see through the fog and start to enjoy living in the moment. Effie will only be 8 weeks old for one week, she will only be 2 months old for one month, and then that time is gone. I want to start thinking of the time I get to spend with her as precious as opposed to something I have to "get through." Pictures are helping me to enjoy those moments. Things like:
Taking pictures also helps me to love myself. So not only do I want more pictures, I want more pictures with me in them, documenting my body and the journey it is taking post baby. Today I am excited for a new year (tomorrow I might hate it). I am not looking to make a new me, but to learn to enjoy the me I am. I think snapping a few selfies will help.
Happy New Year Friends!
<3 Ravin
This week I am making an effort to take more pictures. You could call it a New Years resolution of sorts, but to be honest I hate resolutions. Mostly because when I inevitably stop doing them (as it is incredibly difficult to develop new habits as an adult) I am consumed by guilt. I have a lot of feelings about guilt, in fact you could say my thesis is at it's core about guilt. Also New Years is that time of year that fat people are even more highly visible and pressured by the diet culture to extra hate ourselves. Also it is literally THE ONLY time of year where it is easy to find affordable fat girl lounge wear and exercise clothes. MAMA NEEDS NEW YOGA PANTS.
ANYWAYS... What was I talking about...
Oh yeah, taking more pictures. One of the ways my anxiety manifests is the belief that life will always be super hard and nothing is going to change and get better. When taking some time to go through the pictures from the first 8 weeks of Effie's life, I realized that TONS has changed already and in fact things are getting easier. The photographic evidence has helped me put this in perspective.
For example:
She no longer takes all her naps on my chest:
I managed to get out of the house and cut all my hair off!
As helpful as these pictures have been, I don't have as many as I would like.
Taking pictures helps me do a few things, it helps me document the changes that happen while I'm miserable, I am better able to see through the fog and start to enjoy living in the moment. Effie will only be 8 weeks old for one week, she will only be 2 months old for one month, and then that time is gone. I want to start thinking of the time I get to spend with her as precious as opposed to something I have to "get through." Pictures are helping me to enjoy those moments. Things like:
Bath TIME!
MEETING UNCLE IAN!
First (almost) on camera smile!
Taking pictures also helps me to love myself. So not only do I want more pictures, I want more pictures with me in them, documenting my body and the journey it is taking post baby. Today I am excited for a new year (tomorrow I might hate it). I am not looking to make a new me, but to learn to enjoy the me I am. I think snapping a few selfies will help.
Happy New Year Friends!
<3 Ravin
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